The Thing Is

The thing is, my mother and I had this thing, and my brothers joined in. It was a thing!  And it involved chocolate!

If you wondered what to get our mom for a present, a one-pound box from See’s was always well received.  She preferred the “nuts and chews,” but she wouldn’t turn up her nose at a box of assorted creams, nougats, mousses, truffles or toffees.  A real big deal for her was when one of her more spendy friends would give her a two-pound box.  Heavenly!  Of course, Christmas was especially bountiful, for it did bring her more than the usual satisfactions; but she did not mind if you did not wait for the holidays.  Nope!  You could swing by the See’s outlet in the mall anytime of the year and for any occasion, or no occasion.

Now you may be thinking that Audrey was a chocolate junkie with a bad sugar habit and a soft belly as evidence, but your thinking would be wrong.  She was disciplined.  She was measured.  She was frugal.  She would have three or four bites every two or three days, and she held steady at five-two and 105 pounds. And since she only pecked away at it, there were always a few pieces around; and that is why the pirates  – in the form of three strapping sons, alone or in packs — would invade her apartment, come to visit their mother in search of buried booty.   Audrey did not take this lying down, and that is “thing” of the title.

Hiding chocolate from the jackals!

Her place wasn’t too big, so it didn’t take too long to conduct a search; and eventually we would uncover her treasure.  In retaliation she devised increasingly clever strategies to fool us.  On one occasion when she knew we were coming, she took her chocolate stash down the hall to the apartment of her buddy, Ruthie.  Mom loved pulling one over on us, watching us dig in vain for something that was not there.

Eventually she ratted herself out and admitted to the scam with great delight.  She chuckled right out loud.  She wanted us to know – that she knew – that she fooled us.  Frankly, we thought it was poor sportsmanship.  Chocolate cheating!  Just imagine it.  An eighty-five-year-old lady depriving her offspring of sweet pleasure and jeering them in the process.  What kind of mother does that? 

To this joke upon her sons, there was a filial repercussion.  A few days later, brother Jim arrived with what he described as a peace offering.

“No hard feelings, Mom.”

It was a two-pounder, half nuts and chews, half soft centers!  Audrey was delirious; but her macular degeneration being what it was, she did not notice that the box did not have the normal plastic shrink wrap, nor that it was a little underweight.  She tore into it and discovered that the box had been previously opened by my brother, who had taken a bite out of each-and-every bon-bon in the box.  Every!  Last!  One! 

Mom snorted with disgust over those half-bitten morsels, but it did not stop her from eating them.  You see, Mom may have taken umbrage over chocolate petty theft; but this Depression Era girl with legendary thrift just could not stand any kind of waste.  It took her two or three months, but she finally ate them all.

And she did it without any pilfering from us.  Until she announced that she had finished off that box, there was no searching, nor any discussion of chocolate when we visited, because of the elephant-sized peanut cluster in the room – our brother had behaved in an unseemly manner.

The thing is:  on that occasion we just had to give Audrey the win.